The Wasteland Ranger HQ-Grid
Recreation Center
page update: June 17, AD 2004

Welcome to the funnier side of the Wasteland. Granted, deadly mutated lizards, fatal doses of radiation and jammed Uzis in the heat of battle aren't what most would call "funny." However, this page is dedicated to the lighter side of the desert wastes, as told by Rangers who've survived to tell--and laugh at--the tales.


If you have an addition to this mass of funnies, visit the Comm Center and send it along. If it can make Covenant laugh, I'll add it to these pages!

The Wasteland Ranger HQ-Grid

We begin with a submission by the enigmatic "V" who submits this list:

You're a Wasteland Junkie if....
  1. You've been arrested for shooting somebody in your neighorhood because you didn't know them.
  2. You bring handguns to a family-member's funeral, because you're afraid Slithering Ghouls are going to attack you while you're in a cemetary.
  3. You refer to your circle of friends as your "Desert Ranger party"..
  4. You're prone to kill gang members if they make comments on how you part your hair.
  5. You offer bums liquor to get them to move the hell out of your way.
  6. Instead of calling the Psychic Hotline for predictions of the future, you get the local homeless dude drunk in hopes he may have a vision
  7. If somebody's standing in front of a jukebox when you want to play something, you end up shooting them and all their friends.
  8. You try coming up with ways to hit on bar waitresses by using letters of the alphabet.
  9. When your redneck uncle is having a vermin problem, you and your friends storm his pastures and shoot every furry rodent you come across with high-caliber pistols.
  10. You can survive out in the middle of the Gobi desert for sixteen days straight with only one canteen full of water.
  11. While visiting Las Vegas, you wonder why there's no tanks...and why none of your friends have been blown up for stepping on land-mines.
  12. You actually play "Desolation", and badger Devil into making more guns from the game.
  13. You study the Wasteland geographical map and find flaws in it. (i.e. "Quartz is in California...but why is Las Vegas northwest from it?")
  14. You're terrified of chess-boards, and yell "THIRTY STEPS! THIRTY STEPS! STOP SHOOTING ME!!" whenever somebody asks you if you wanna play a game with them.
  15. Taking on a squad of five gangers is no problem at all for you... I mean, you already kill entire temples of cultists, visit cities full of killer robots, and wander around extremely radioactive areas without a Rad Suit.
  16. You have best friend named Snake Vargas.
  17. If you really don't like somebody, you kill them with a burst from an assault rifle, and attempt to hook their head up to your computer so you can access their mind and kill them from within. Creepy, huh?
  18. You manage to rig their head up to your computer, but can't access their brain because you have a low Cyborg Tech skill.
  19. Fighting a twenty-foot Coyote isn't all too exciting to you.
  20. You're arrested for damaging several water lines because you were shooting at a sewage worker while lurking around in the sewers with an assault-rifle.
  21. After being arrested for killing the worker, you use the excuse "I was trying to find robot parts to rebuild my friend, Max!", and are promptly thrown into a mental asylum.
Ranger Ken St. Andre of the Interplay Wasteland team, correctly notes, "Qwartz [sic] isn't in California, you geographical illiterate. It's on the Arizona side of the river. Las Vegas is just slightly northwest of it."

Well, thanks for that update Ken. No hard feelings, V!

More from V...

"Top 10 things to do to piss off people in Wasteland"

10. Defile someone's dead relative, and claim you shot apart his tombstone because you thought you saw a Deadel.
9. While walking close to Darwin, "accidently" have a pal scout a little off to the side, to go check out that weird green glow in the distance. (muhahaha!)
8. Hire a three-legged prostitute to give a "friend" Wasteland Herpes on his birthday.
7. Accuse a kid's beloved dog of having rabies, and immediately execute it there on the spot, then ask for a "thank you" for saving him from contamination of hydrophobia.
6. Trip and fall in a stream, and immediately gun down anybody you see snickering at your misfortune, claiming it was justified.
5. While in Darwin Base, trip someone and make them land in the Humungous Coyote cage.
4. Tell everybody your friend is a hobo, and he'll have visions of the future, just to get some free squeezin's.
3. Take apart your cyborg friend and throw his pieces in the sewers.
2. Nominate your friend to deliver the "We Come In Peace!" message when you're about to storm the Citadel, convincing him that the flags are for the miniature-golf the monks play on weekends, and are no big deal.
1. Give someone the guided tour of Las Vegas...and immediately scamper off once you introduce them to the city's main attraction, the Scorpitron 6000 (with rotating turbo-plasma cannon! won't they be thrilled...)

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